The election wasn't real
Emergency services are still recovering the charred remains of thousands of Britons after the most recent dragon attack. The fire-breathing behemoths have been roaming the blackened skies since May 7, bringing fear and death to all parts of the country. Mainly Sunderland. Everything has turned battleship grey, there's a faint smell of rape in the air and King Cameron has reclaimed his place on the throne after killing off his competition with a fox bone shiv.
None of that actually happened, obviously. I just made that up – although it does vividly convey my feelings towards the result of the General Election. The prospect of a heartless, robotic, shape-shifting lizard running the country for five more years is certainly a grim one, and it's got people (a minority, admittedly) genuinely scared. But instead of talking about how we're all going to die meaningless deaths, I'd rather tackle things from a metaphysical angle and deny the existence of a Tory government altogether.
So, it didn't happen. You didn't go to the polling station that day, the Conservatives didn't win a majority vote and Dave isn't back in 10 Downing Street. None of it was real.
How could it be? Nothing else is real either: money, religion, your national insurance number – everything is just a concept, ideas that only retain meaning depending on our willingness to believe in them. The media, for example, construct news packages and articles to CREATE stories, often with a political agenda. Before they pillaged the content from the battlefields of truth, there was only raw facts, or perhaps meaningless material. Instead, we get The Sun pasting pictures of Ed Miliband eating a bacon sandwich like a mentalist, and all of a sudden, your mind has been made up for you. Well, you're a moron. And bacon sandwiches aren't real either.
And I know what you're thinking: what about physical things, like getting punched in the face or gangrene - they both seem pretty real. Well they're not. You're just a cloud of consciousness, thought up by a fifth dimensional being that probably doesn't exist either. Physical interactions are just figments of your imagination. Ha! You virgin.
So perhaps we shouldn't be worrying too much. If physics itself is non-existent, then 1 million people aren't really using food banks and 29% of children in the UK aren't really in poverty. Sure, it might SEEM a bit rubbish at first, struggling to put a meal on the table every night, or a roof over your head, but at least when you die from an untreated injury because of a privatised healthcare system, you'll be released from your restrictive, carbon form, and free to roam an endless realm of nothingness, this time, without the ability to question if you exist or not.
All of which is why I prefer to talk fantasy. My Game of Thrones inspired dragon story at the beginning of this drivel is just as terrifying as the reality we're facing, but more interesting. Alternatively, it's like we're reenacting the plot to Star Wars Revenge Of The Sith. I just can't wait for A New Hope.
