iPhone 6 and Apple Watch
The iPhone 6 and Apple Watch will be as empty as the words they use to describe them
On their official website Apple describes the new iPhone 6 as simply: “Bigger and better”. These staggeringly empty adjectives are the sort you’d expect Calvin Harris to use when talking about a new album, or a prostitute recalling the performance of previous clients. Harris, a whore and Apple all share the desire to screw us for money – which is fair enough – but bragging about ‘the seamless transition of glass and metal’? That’s just sickening.
Of course they go on to list the device’s specifications and new features, but it’s all guff – retina display, Siri 8, the ability to unite Britain again, an app to stop Isis. Why bother with all of that? Whack that munched fruit logo on two cups and a piece of string and it will sell just as well.
They’re even doing a watch now, aptly named ‘Apple Watch’, which is being lauded as their ‘first wearable device’. First? That implies there will be a second, possibly a third. Glasses would presumably be next, closely followed by touch sensitive underwear. Imagine being encumbered with this stuff, looking like the lovechild of Daft Punk and a camp RoboCop.
The watch also does lots of things that are well worth your money, like fitting on your wrist and telling the time. And in an eventual update you’ll be able to see how much self-respect you’ve lost since wearing it all the livelong day.
Some might think Apple are taking advantage of their customers’ weakness for fresh and fashionable gadgetry with these new products, but I’m not concerned with that. I just want to know how loudly they were laughing when writing those little paragraphs for each ‘new’ feature.
The overview is brilliant – “iPhone 6 isn’t simply bigger — it’s better in every way. Larger, yet dramatically thinner. More powerful, but remarkably power efficient. With a smooth metal surface that seamlessly meets the new Retina HD display. It’s one continuous form where hardware and software function in perfect unison, creating a new generation of iPhone that’s better by any measure.” And in 9 months it will be a piece of archaic shit.
Chris Edwards - Cynical CME
