My most hated films

Some of my all-time favourite reviews are of films I haven’t even seen. That’s because the ones I avoid are usually on the receiving end of some hilariously scathing criticism. I never saw Noah, for example, and The Observer’s Mark Kermode slammed it with the one-liner: “The strangest $125m million ever spent by a major studio”. I also steered well clear of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot, and sure enough, Jordan Huffman from The Guardian summed it up by saying: “If corporate cinema is a cancer then director Jonathan Liebesman is … well, he’s not important enough to be a tumor.” Any flic I consciously dodge seems to receive this kind of abuse. But what about the stinkers I did, foolishly pay the ticket fee for? And what did the experience of having to sit through it do to my soul?

Sullied it, would be my answer. To the point that I’ve been inspired to conduct a list of the worst films I’ve ever seen. For your amusement and my detoxification – because I still haven’t quite got all the hate out of my system since watching Transformers: Age of Extinction. So here they are, the films (I can remember) that have enraged me enough to warrant a vehement spieling.

Captain America: The First Avenger

This is the first in series. And it’s shit. In fact, shit is putting it nicely. It’s an insultingly cheap, superhero flic that is unbearable to the point of wanting to rip off your own face. It’s a turd-bespattered bicycle wheel of a film that keeps on rotating, flicking excrement right into your eyes. But it doesn’t stop there. It also defecates in your ears, mouth and nose. Screw it, this poor excuse for entertainment even curls a whirling dump right on your spirit, then smears it in with its grubby, money-snatching hands. Now let me explain why.

It is ‘Captain America’ and by staying true to its origins there is bound to be an overwhelming amount of patriotism. Fair enough. Wave the stars and stripes, play the occasional anthem, and even give us the usual dose of “America is the best”, but for Odin’s sake, don’t do all of that while simultaneously jumping over a German tank as it explodes, then pose after the landing. It’s not even done in a tongue-in-cheek, Expendables way. It’s just agonising for anyone who understands that if you’re going to be clichéd, you at least have make a joke about it.

Then there’s the script. Lines like: “I don't want to kill anyone. I don't like bullies; I don't care where they're from,” and “Whatever happens tomorrow you must promise me one thing. That you will stay who you are. Not a perfect soldier, but a good man,” are enough to make you want to stretch your bottom lip over your entire head, so you can’t see or hear anything other than the blissful alternative of white noise. It couldn’t be clearer that there was a switch of director for its follow up The Winter Soldier. It’s indistinguishable from the first in every way imaginable, including not reeking of shit.

Avatar

Being a strong detester of 3D cinema, I never had much hope for Avatar – despite the hype and critical acclaim. When the visual gimmick had worn off after the first ten minutes, I stopped focusing on the glowing plant-life and spears that were coming out of the screen, and started paying attention to the things that mattered, like the plot and characters. It turned out I was better off gawping at the luminous shrubbery like a lobotomised Alan Titchmarsh.

It just felt… lazy, which is a mad thing to say considering it took James Cameron and co 4 years to make. But the majority of effort was clearly put into the visuals or as some like to call it ‘cinematic experience’. Apart from that it was essentially a glorified Pocahontas. Two people from different worlds fall in love, soldiers destroy a land for its riches, and in Avatar’s case I leave the cinema moved more by the piece of popcorn stuck between my teeth.

Slumdog Millionaire

For me, a massively overrated film. The Telegraph’s Chei Amlani wrote an interesting piece, criticising its advocates and drawing attention to the clichéd depictions. “It’s ridiculous,” he wrote. “Danny Boyle’s film Slumdog Millionaire is now so popular that it is even difficult to book a place on a "slum tour" of Mumbai.”

I too couldn’t quite understand its popularity. It was well made and structured, but that’s what made it so bland. Amlani said something similar with: “Boyle simply tries to tick as many boxes as possible. He wants an Indian version of City of God, another cult product.” It relied so heavily on our preconceived ideas of Mumbai slums that we essentially learnt nothing from it. I suggest taking Amlani’s advice and “Switch on a documentary, watch the news or just flick through a guidebook and the vision of a spectacular country changing rapidly and beyond the grasp of its inhabitants is evident.” If you care, that is. Throw in the western appeal of Chris Tarrant’s, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, the occasional torture scene and suddenly you have a hit worthy of 10 Oscar nominations. I found it boring.

Other mentions

I could roll off a list of nauseating superhero films – Man of Steel and The Green Lantern to name a couple – but I really would be here all day. And notice how I refrained from leathering the entire works of Michael Bay? I think I dusted him off in my Transformers review, which you can read here. A final mention from me is a controversial one. Lord of the Rings – 3 (now 6) films about short people walking. Each sequel seems like a widely missed opportunity. They abide to the laws of mainstream cinema, even more so with the recent Ed Sheeran soundtrack to the second Hobbit, and there is no way that fans of the books can be happy with that. Oh! I almost forgot. Disney’s John Carter – the epitome of all that is absolute patience-testing wank.